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HOW TO DRIVE IN SO. CAL



HOW TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES, Orange and San Diego Counties:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L A

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.



3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".



4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.



8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.



9. MapQuest does not work here, none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.



10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.



12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
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I was driving the other day and some chick in a sports car was playing with her makeup and started to swerve into my lane. I had to jerk the wheel over to avoid her which made me drop my electric razor which knocked over my coffee which spilt into my lap which made me shout which made me drop my cigarette which started my seat on fire which made me have to iunterrupt my phone call so I could dial 911. F%#@%ng cow!!

Blaine
P.S. Sorry I cant take credit for that one.
I have noticed lately that the "new" driving position seems to be: Right hand on the wheel somewhere between 12 o'clock and 6 o'clock, with the left hand clutching a cell phone and the cell phone firmly located in the left ear. This is most prevelant with females.

We have come a long way from the traditional 10 and 2 o'clock. Isn't tecnology wonderful!
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