This is so not funny, it isn’t even funny. So if you’re expecting some humour, stop reading now.
It’s freakin’ December. And yes, I’m still driving the cat. I have a two-page list of things to do over the winter and I can’t wait to get started. But before it snows, I’m doing everything I can to eliminate any questions. Because once it snows, any answers will have to wait another 3 or 4 months.
Like before I change my fuel sender, maybe I should make sure it’s really not working? Some years ago I found the gauge read 1/2 full when it was empty. So I’ve been filling it every time it got near 1/2 full. Yet, all I could get in it was 40 liters. Like maybe I should actually run the car until it’s empty? So, I’ve been driving with a can of fuel in my front trunk waiting to run dry. That way I wouldn’t smell up the garage when it was time to open it up and change the sender. Or if it really was working, I’d finally find out and save the effort. Either way, I needed to run it dry. So I’ve been driving and driving …and driving. And waiting to run dry. Well, it seems like the fuel gauge is actually working perfectly (probably because I changed all the gauges a few years ago but forgot to reset my brain).
Anyhow, with the needle now almost at empty and the snow expected a few days away, I’ve been waiting for a dry day to take her out one last time and fill up the tank, a) to measure how empty it was and b) so it wouldn’t rust while it sits in the garage over the winter.
Another thing that has been driving me nuts is a ticking noise that I have not been able to locate. Up on stands everything turns perfectly, no touching, nothing loose, no ticking. But on the road I hear this sound bouncing back from any wall beside me. Tick tick tick - once per rotation. So after exhausting every other possible culprit, some of my Pantera buddies suggested I remove the screw on caps and cones from my Hall Ultra wheels. And this was another thing I needed to confirm today before getting the car up on stands for the winter.
Well today was the day I was waiting for. And my last drive. No kidding.
So I took of the caps and cones from my wheels, started her up – it’s so awesome how 2 short taps on the throttle and one half turn on the key brings the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra to life – so effortlessly.
We backed out of the driveway and headed to the local PetroCan station for some nice 94. Along the way I passed by all the tunnels and concrete walls I could snuggle up against – and lo and behold, no more ticking. So it was the cones against the wheels ticking as they contracted and expanded. Yeah, so the wheels or caps or cones are not perfectly flat. A small rubber edging trim around the cones should resolve that.
We cruised into the gas station where she took in 60 litres of 94. Which means, even at empty there was still 10 litres or more left. Now I’ll never break a sweat when alone in the mountains watching my needle dropping as fast as my speedo rises.
With 2 issues now out of the way I made for home, anxious to get her up on jacks. I’m thinking about tearing off wheels, bumpers, muffles, grilles, fans, rad and so on… when all of sudden I see a police crew out in the middle of the freakin’ service road with a freakin’ tripod mounted lazer.
And guess who they’re lookin’ at?
I look left hoping to make it onto the expressway and disappear – too late, passed the entrance. Can I turn right – too late, no streets between me and them. F&%K! I’m so done. I’m so freakin’ tired of this! I can’t even think about arguing and going thru my “gee officer, I just changed the ignition and had this little glitch and…”
Three cops get real busy shooing every other freaking car on the road out of the way so they can all attack me! They move some cones over and make a nice little parking spot for me. C&%K#*$Kers!
I pull into my “impound area” as they surround me and start the BS. I half-heartedly try to talk my way out of it – but I’m F&#Ked and I know it.
One mile from home. On the last ride of the season. And I have to get into this again.
They start with the “excessive speed” BS and hand me some paper about a new law, 3 months old, 6 points, $500 and with 10 year non-removeable record (like if I get another “excessive speed” ticket within 10 years then the car gets impounded and they shoot me).
Then they tell me they are calling a tow truck to get the car because I no longer have a license.
Okay. This isn’t even funny. This is a freakin’ nightmare. I have stuff to do. I have to get the car home and get changed and get to a meeting and now he’s telling me some wanker in a piece of sh#t flatbed it coming to tow my car away to some filthy impound? Blah blah, freakin’ blah. He goes on – ever so politely. I’m getting a little bit pissed at this point.
Anyhow, after some moaning and groaning and standing around in the cold as 1000 cars pass by watching the brutal scene unfold, the P&%?K tells me if I can get someone here in 10 minutes to drive me and the cat home, he’ll forget the tow truck.
So I call my wife to tell her what was happening. And get yelled at for being such an idiot (which of course I really needed to hear right then and there). Then I found one of my sons to come rescue me and the cat. Then as I waited for him to get there, every couple of minute the A$$&#@LE would come over and point at his watch.
I took a bunch of pictures of the location and situation – of their lazer camera (rented from some local freakin’ video store!) of the police car, their ID …and then it hit me. One of the cops was the complete J$%#Koff that gave me a ticket last year for being parked too far from the curb in front of my driveway while I was chopping ice in the freakin’ driveway. It was that P$&#K who wanted to give me another ticket at the time, for no wipers which he discovered looking for somewhere to put the first freakin’ ticket! Mother$%*ker.
Ok. So I’m home now. This miserable day is almost over. I need a drink badly. My wife drove me to my meeting. I’m not happy. I called my ‘speeding ticket lawyer’ who answers the phone “…you again?” Funny. Not.
Anyhow, as it turns out, it’s not so bad. My license is suspended – but just for a week. It will take more than a week to fight to get it back. So F&%K it. The lawyer says he can negotiate a few kilometers off the recorded speed which will remove me from the “excessive speed” zone, save me 3 points and about $300 (and probably only cost me about $800 in legal fees).
I’m done with driving. I’m done with cities. I’m done with cops. I’m so done with all of this. So if you see a white GT5 for sale or trade for a Smart car and $50, be happy that I won’t have to go thru this F*&Ken BS anymore.
And be happy that you won’t have to read this drivel from me again. This story is getting old.
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