So, I’ve been hard on the exercise thing for about eight months. We have a gym downstairs and a personal trainer who comes and kicks my ass for a couple of hours every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. The other days I try to drink a lot to deaden the aches and pains. I’m getting psyched benching some big weights, but as always, I pushed a little too hard and injured my shoulder.
After being pestered by everyone to go see my sister’s friend who is a masseuse to Hollywood stars – yeah, they actually fly her out to movie sets – I finally went. Apparently she’s seen a lot of stars naked. I had to ask whom. Anyhow, there’s nothing I have that can compete with Brad Pitt except my awesome wife, who looks nothing like Angelina Jolie, but still has the hots for me. Thankfully.
So after a really soothing massage, the only happy ending was that I could get out of the Zen retreat and leave the weird music and incense burning behind me. I felt quite good, though.
“Don’t do anything today,” she said as I left. “Take a hot bath and relax.”
That plan was interrupted when I decided it was time to get rid of the remnants of winter on the back deck, blow all the dirt away and wash everything clean. I got out some nice steaks for dinner and got to work cleaning the BBQ. When I came back in the house, finally ready for that hot bath, I saw that my bowl of healthy raisins and granola was on the floor. Empty.
Charlie, the dog, was sitting by it smiling… “um, sorry, not me!”
I remembered reading about raisins being toxic to dogs so I confirmed it quickly with my buddy Google and called the vet. “Bring him right in,” they said.
I dropped everything and rushed to the vet. They gave him something to make him puke and assured me after they got everything out that he would be fine. Better safe than sorry. They said he was good to travel home and wouldn’t have any more thowing up to do.
That was a good thing, because I just got these hi-end dog seat covers for the third row seats in my Escalade ESV and had spent freakin’ forever installing them. The fit like a glove and I had to remove the seats to get them properly installed. Anyhow, I usually throw a towel over these awesome covers, on wet days, to soak up the mud and keep them looking new.
Yes, you can see where this is going.
So as expected, he throws up all the way home, blowing chunks, raisins and granola in a nice caustic soup everywhere. Fortunately, I also have these Husky floor liners which I use for winter, custom fitted to every bend in the floor – front, back, and rear cargo. They're great.
Except the puke ran in between the liners and the carpets everywhere. And between the seats. And in the freakin’ seatbelt holes, puddling nicely in the floor mounts for the folding seats.
Listen, I have four kids and have done twenty years of carpool, soccer practice, hockey games, ski trips, road trips, you name it. My cars have seen some ugly things. But this was, without a doubt, the worst freakin’ mess yet.
As I stuggled to get the skin tight seat covers off the seats, they snapped loose and splashed their well contained waterproof ponds of puke all over the rest of the car that had not been hit.
And so, the hot bath would have to wait for a while.
I tried to clean around it but there was no way. I had to remove the seats, then remove the Husky liners, then wash everything and then put it all back together. Those freakin’ electric, heated and cooled captains seats weigh a freakin’ ton. After four of them my back was aching from crawling in and out of the rear deck. I was crying in pain by the time the car was cleaned and the awesome seat covers were in the washing machine.
It was dark by the time I finished. I could have used some super bright HID lighting to get those freakin’ seats back in, but with my luck I’d end up being charged with manslaughter (inside joke).
So instead of a hot bath, I’m finally sitting in some cold gin and tonic and writing this non-Pantera waste of time just to show you - that even though life bites you in the ass sometimes, it provides a good laugh a few short hours later.
Amen.
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