Dear Employees:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our ture.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year via retirement will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as Severance of Late-Aged Personnel (SLAP).
Employees who are SLAPed will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPed employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers (SCREW).
All employees who have been SLAPed and SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPed once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES) or Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment (CLAP).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPed or SCREWed by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The Management
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