New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like
them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect
it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security
crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light
ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding no,
I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed
to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
just
high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting.
What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing
that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just
want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do
you want fries with that?"
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