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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
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Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening British Airways flight from Edinburgh to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Scottish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight "

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:


"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available".
A scotsman is at his first baseball game. He jumps up and yells "swing, you blighter" as the first pitch sails past the batter.
A fan seated beside him explains "he doesn't have to swing, the pitch was outside the strike zone"
This happens three more times and the batter starts his walk to first base. "Run, you blighter" screams the scotsman.
The fan patiently explains "he doesn't have to run, he's got four balls"
The scotsman thinks a moment, then yells "walk with pride, man!"

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