For those of us in the Southeast, this came in today.
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I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve
the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves (NAFE) Local 209. As
part
of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.
Differences such as:
1). There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2). Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty
spit
can handy.
3). Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4). You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when
Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on
Elliott
and Petty."
5). "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6) .As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7). The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8) Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
Sincerely Yours, Santa
