Timely Irish Humor
Only the Irish have jokes like these:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me
had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy ... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya
been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."
****************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."
Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda ... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
****************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun .'."
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And the best for last
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest
pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either."
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