...A Priest, a Lawyer and a Doctor walk into a Bar, And the Bartender says...
"What is this, some kind'a Bar Joke?"
What is the difference between a 'Pick Pocket' and a 'Peeping Tom'?
One, Snatches Watches, and the Other, Watches Snatches.
...Do You know Why Women Have a Difficult Time Judging 'Distances'?
Because They've Been Told, by Men, 6 Inches is 10...Most of Their Lives!
"...a Soldier returns Home after fighting 4 Years in Europe, during World War II. He is Home and changing into his civilian Clothes. Reaching into one pocket he discovers a Claim Cheque for repairs on a pair of shoes he left at a shoe repair shop, many years ago, just before he was ordered to ship out. He thinks...I wonder if the shop is still there?
It Is! The shop is still Open. Walking in, he Hands the Old Man the Ticket, The Repairman reads it and disappears into the Back Room. After a moment, he Returns...
"They'll be Ready Next Tuesday!"
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo
What is a dyslexic atheist ?
Someone who doesn't believe in dog...
Now that is dog dam funny, all of them!
...So Sue Me!! Talk to My Team of Lawyers.
'Dewy, Cheatem and Howe'
...And, there is the Chinese/Jewish Restaurant I ate Dinner at...
'So-Su-Mi'
...Life is Like a Roll of Toilet Paper...The Closer You get to the End, The Faster it Goes!
...a Man enters a Bar, and sits down on the seat next to a Man sitting alone. He can't help but notice, on the Back of Each seat, there is a Large Number. He asks the Gentleman sitting there, "What's with the Numbers on these Seats??" The Man replies, "Upstairs is a Brothel, and 'they' Spin a Wheel, and if Your Number comes up, they'll call You up there to have Sex!!" "No! Your kidding, Right?" "I Know it's True!...They've called My Girlfriend up there, 3 Times, Already!"
...A Attractive Mature Women, in her 40's is sitting at the Bar, when a Young Man approaches Her then asks, "Are You alone tonight, would you like some company?" She replies, "I Have a Better Idea, How would You like to Have Hot Sex with A Mother And Her Daughter?" the Man says "Sure! I could go for that!"
The couple walks the few blocks to Her Home, up the Stairs and in the front Door...When the Women YELLS towards the Upstairs..."Hey MOM get out of Bed and Put Your Teeth IN, We Got a Live One!!"
...A Women is sitting with Her Friend, they're having drinks, when the Conversation turns to the Reading of Her late Husbands' Will.
"He Left Me Millions! But His Lawyer was Adamant about the $300,000, My Husband Stipulated for His 'Memorial Stone' ". Her friend replies, "That's a Lot of Money for a Stone! where is It?" "Right Here!!", as the Widow Outstretches Her Hand to Reveal a '12-Carat Diamond Solitaire'!!
...A few I found, Has the Wife Peeved!
Wives are like grenades; remove the ring, and then BOOM!, the house is gone!'
'Marriage is a 'Three-Ring Circus': engagement Ring, wedding Ring, and suffering.
Son: "What's the difference between love and marriage?" Father: "Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener."
'It is my wife's birthday tomorrow, she has been leaving Jewelry Catalogues all around the house so I bought her a Magazine Rack.'
'My wife was going through her wardrobe and said: "Look! This Still Fits Me after 20 Years", I replied: "It's a Scarf!"
'Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? He is trying to figure out the combination.'
'Is Google a man or a woman? A woman of course, because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a Recommendation.'
...Now for the Wives, It's us Husbands Turn!!
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.
My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look attractive.
So I got drunk.
A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
Her: “All my friends are telling me I married an idiot!”
Him: “What they mean is, only an idiot would’ve married you!”
Q. How do men get exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.
Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.