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"Do You Know Why Elephants Paint their Toenails RED??"
'So They can Hide in Cherry Trees!! Have You Ever seen a Elephant in a Cherry Tree??'
(NO!)
'SEE.....It Works!!'
I think this guy works on ZFs down in the LA Basin…
(Classic Transmission shop commercial)
In the Dark of a Early Morning, a Man pulls his pick-up truck out of the Garage, to leave, and get a Early start for Fishing. The Weather is Terrible!! It is Storming and a Torrential Rain Downpour! He quickly changes his mind and backs his truck back into the Garage, closes the door. NO fishing today!
He goes around the house and enters the Back Door, goes up stairs and Slides Back into bed with His Wife. Spoons and Snuggles up to Her, he whispers in Her Ear, "It's raining 'Cats and Dogs' out there!" Her Reply..."Can You Believe My Dumbass Husband is Out Fishing in this Shit?!!"
Did you Hear about the Bus-Driver, who Pulled-Out Quick! to Avoid a Child?...And Broke His Arm, when He Fell Off the Couch!!
What do You Get when You 'Cross' a Prostitute with a Elephant???
A 'Two-Ton Whore', Who Works for Peanuts!!
How to tell who loves you most, your wife or you dog.
Take your wife and dog and lock them in your car trunk for four hours, then let them out and see who lick you. I forgot to tell you make for sure you have an attorney ready. Have a Happy and Safe 2024!
I was sitting in the office and my wife asked from the kitchen… “Do you ever feel shooting pains through your body, as if somebody is sticking a voodoo doll of you with needles?”
“No”, I said…. “Why?”
”How about now?” she asked!
"I am Not 'Totally Useless'!...I Can Always be Used as a 'Bad Example'!!"
...A Cop pulls over a Gorgeous Women driving a Detomaso Pantera.
Walks up to Her window and asks..."May I see your License, I'll be issuing a Citation for Speeding"
The Women hands over Her Drivers' License, Along with a 100 Dollar Bill.
"No, Mame it is Illegal for You to offer Me a Bribe!" "Oh NO Officer, This is a Donation to the Policemens' BALL!"
The officer replies..."Policemen Don't Have BALLS!"
Realizing what He had just said, hands the License and Bill, back to the Woman and returns to his Cruiser.
How to fit 4 elephants into a Citroën 2hp or a Fiat 500?
Answer: by putting two in front and two behind
...It's our anniversary, and My Wife said, if I don't buy her something New and Shiny, and have it sitting out in the driveway, we're Done!!
I Bought her a Toaster, and sat it out There!
Then she said, I want to go out to dinner, somewhere 'Expensive'! I took her to a 'Gas Station'!
My Wife told Me that I Never Listen to Her...At Least That's What I Think She Said!
Men!! You want to Get a Womans' Attention? Yell..."Shoe-Sale, Shoe-Sale".
...I'll be Sleeping on the Couch Tonight!
...RED Light in the rearview Mirror! It's the CHP pulling Me over in My Pantera!! The Officer walks up to My open window..."Sir, why do You think I pulled You Over?"
..."3 Years Ago My Wife Ran-Off with a CHP Officer... I Was Afraid You were Bringing Her Back!!"
...Other 'Lame' Excuses, to tell Officers, Reasons for Speeding in Your Pantera!
...I was in a Hurry to get to the Shop and have My Brakes Fixed!!
...Speeding Down highway 5, "They Just Opened a New 'Doughnut Shop' in Manteca!!"
..."I Was Contributing to the Smooth Flow of Traffic!"
Standing up in Court addressed by the Judge. "You were caught on 'Radar', Speeding! Your Citation reads, 95 mph in a 55 Zone!"
"...Your Honor, I have in My Hand Documented Proof, Witnessed by the Officer, that I was Being 'Shot in the Face' by a 'Infared Lazar'. I could Not Accurately 'Read' the Speedometer!"
Case Dismissed!
Next case:
Speeding: "Your Honor, My Wife was Leaving Town, on Vacation to Visit Family and Friends in Florida, for TWO Weeks!!" "I was in a Great Hurry to get Her to the Airport!!"
Case Dismissed!
Funny stuff!
Marlin - do you do marriage counseling sessions on the side ?
Percy, Yes I Do!
I Consol and Guide Gorgeous Young Women through their Devorce.
I start with, "let's Meet For Drinks!"
...Now, I have to Move Out, TO My Own Apartment!
Brilliant!
One of my friends was drinking up to a pint a day of DOT4 brake fluid.
I told him I was concerned but he assured me he could stop any time he wanted ....!
...A note found on the Bathroom Counter.
The best way to Clean a 'Toilet Bowl'
To Scrub it Shiny Clean, Spic-n-Span!
Take Your Best Pet CAT, and Place It in the Bowl, Close the Lid Down and STAND on It!! Now Flush the Toilet! 2 or 3 Times, to get the Toilet Extra Clean!! The CAT will get Very Busy Scrubbing the Bowl Rim.
When Finished...Step-Off the Lid and the CAT will Immediately 'Excuse' Himself from the Toilet and Run Outside To Celebrate...Having been of Great Service to Its' Human Master.
The CAT, Absolutely LOVES Doing This Job!!!
Signed,
The DOG
...A Tortice is Touring New York City. He takes a short-cut down a dark alley and is confronted by Three Snails, who Mug and Rob Him!
The Tortice Immediately goes to the Police Station to file a Report. The Investigating officer asks the Victim, "Can You tell me what happened, tell me what they looked Like??"
"I don't Know....It ALL happened So FAST!!"
😁😂😂😂😂😁😁
..."I Like My Women, as I Like My Flan!"
"Sweet, Giggly and Cheapest in Mexico!!"
...I just saw on the News that The Country of 'Iambadestan' has Just Developed a 'Hydrogen Bomb'.
Problem is, their Only 'Delivery System' is By OX-Cart.
...What was the VERY FIRST thing, Adam SAID to Eve??
...Better Stand WAY BACK! I Don't Know HOW BIG This THING's Going to Get!!
The wife kept screaming, “Give 'IT' to me! I’ve become so WET. Give IT to ME right now!”...but, the husband refused to give-up his umbrella.
...What did the Elephant say to the Naked Man??
AHHH, That's Cute! But can you really Breath through that Thing??
...I was out ON the Golf Course the other Day, I Hit a Couple of Great Balls!
Ya, I Stepped on a Rake!!
You heard about the story where the guy’s wife was kidnapped, and the cops came by and told him to prepare for the worst?
And he said “Oh my God…. I gotta get all those clothes back???”
...A man goes to the Optometrist for a Eye Exam.
The Doctor tells him "You have a Cataract!"
He replies "NO! I have a 'Ringkin Continentrol'!"
...For Years I've been looking for My Wifes Killer...Just haven't Found anyone willing to take the Job!
...Many Priests were at a Convention, when three of them struck up the question..."How do you determine how to divide up the contributions of the 'Collection Plate', meaning, How much do you give For GOD, and how Much do You Keep??"
First: "I throw ALL the Money UP In the air...All That Lands on 'Heads', I Give For GOD, what Lands On 'Tails', I Keep".
Second: "I throw All the Money Up in the Air. All the Coins that Land and Stay on their Sides, I give For GOD, I Keep all the Rest".
Third: "I throw ALL the Money UP IN THE AIR...What STAYS IN THE AIR, I Give For GOD!"
You are going to offend all the priests on this forum that drive Panteras!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now!