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In the Dark of a Early Morning, a Man pulls his pick-up truck out of the Garage, to leave, and get a Early start for Fishing. The Weather is Terrible!! It is Storming and a Torrential Rain Downpour! He quickly changes his mind and backs his truck back into the Garage, closes the door. NO fishing today!

He goes around the house and enters the Back Door, goes up stairs and Slides Back into bed with His Wife. Spoons and Snuggles up to Her, he whispers in Her Ear, "It's raining 'Cats and Dogs' out there!" Her Reply..."Can You Believe My Dumbass Husband is Out Fishing in this Shit?!!"

Last edited by marlinjack

...A Cop pulls over a Gorgeous Women driving a Detomaso Pantera.

Walks up to Her window and asks..."May I see your License, I'll be issuing a Citation for Speeding"

The Women hands over Her Drivers' License, Along with a 100 Dollar Bill.

"No, Mame it is Illegal for You to offer Me a Bribe!"  "Oh NO Officer, This is a Donation to the Policemens' BALL!"

The officer replies..."Policemen Don't Have BALLS!"

Realizing what He had just said, hands the License and Bill, back to the Women and returns to his Cruiser.

Last edited by marlinjack

...It's our anniversary, and My Wife said, if I don't buy her something New and Shiny, and have it sitting out in the driveway, we're Done!!

I Bought her a Toaster, and sat it out There!

Then she said, I want to go out to dinner, somewhere 'Expensive'! I took her to a 'Gas Station'!

My Wife told Me that I Never Listen to Her...At Least That's What I Think She Said!

Men!! You want to Get a Womans' Attention? Yell..."Shoe-Sale, Shoe-Sale".

...I'll be Sleeping on the Couch Tonight!   

Last edited by marlinjack

...Other 'Lame' Excuses, to tell Officers, Reasons for Speeding in Your Pantera!

...I was in a Hurry to get to the Shop and have My Brakes Fixed!!

...Speeding Down highway 5, "They Just Opened a New 'Doughnut Shop' in Manteca!!"

..."I Was Contributing to the Smooth Flow of Traffic!"

Last edited by marlinjack

Standing up in Court addressed by the Judge. "You were caught on Radar, Speeding! Your Citation reads, 95 mph in a 55 Zone!"

"...Your Honor, I have in My Hand Documented Proof, Witnessed by the Officer, that I was Being 'Shot in the Face' by a 'Infared Lazar'. I could Not Accurately 'Read' the Speedometer!"

Case Dismissed!

Next case:

Speeding: "Your Honor, My Wife was Leaving Town, on Vacation to Visit Family and Friends in Florida, for TWO Weeks!!" "I was in a Great Hurry to get Her to the Airport!!"

Case Dismissed!

Last edited by marlinjack

...The best way to Clean a 'Toilet Bowl', To Scrub it Shiny Clean, Spic-n-Span!

Take Your Best Pet CAT, and Place It In The Bowl, Close the Lid Down and STAND on It!! Now Flush the Toilet! 2 or 3 Times, to get the Toilet Extra Clean!! The CAT will get Very Busy Scrubbing the Bowl Rim.

When Finished...Step-Off the Lid and the CAT will Immediately 'Excuse' itself from the Toilet and Run Outside To Celebrate...Having been of Great Service to Its' Human Master.

The CAT, Absolutely LOVES Doing This Job!!!


The DOG     

Last edited by marlinjack

...A Tortice is Touring New York City. He takes a short-cut down a dark alley and is confronted by Three Snails, who Mug and Rob Him!

The Tortice Immediately goes to the Police Station to file a Report. The Investigating officer asks the Victim, "Can You tell me what happened, tell me what they looked Like??"

"I don't Know....It ALL happened So FAST!!"

Last edited by marlinjack

...For Years I've been looking for My Wifes Killer...Just haven't Found anyone willing to take the Job!

...Many Priests were at a gathering, when three of them struck up the question..."How do you determine how to divide up the contributions of the 'Collection Plate', meaning, How much do you give For GOD, and how Much do You Keep??"

First: "I throw ALL the Money UP In the air...All That Lands on 'Heads', I Give For GOD, what Lands On 'Tails', I Keep".

Second: "I throw All the Money Up in the Air. All the Coins that Land and Stay on their Sides, I give For GOD, I Keep all the Rest".

Third: "I throw ALL the Money UP IN THE AIR...What STAYS IN THE AIR, I Give For GOD!"   

Last edited by marlinjack

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