This Forum Needs Another Funny Thread…

Two priests are driving down the highway in their high speed parish Pantera and have a flat. They are having a lot of trouble changing the tire when a pickup truck pulls up and a very large man gets out and walks over. He gets down on one knee and lifts the car up onto the other and using his bare hands takes off the lug nuts and changes the tire. He then changes the tire and puts the lug nuts on with his fingers and then sets the car down. The two now slack jawed priests can't thank him enough.

One of the priest's has to ask "Are you sure those lugs are tight enough, just using your fingers?" The big man says "Those lug nuts are tighter than a nun's twat." and he gets in his truck and is gone.

The two priests look at each other and finally one says "you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yes, says the other, you had better get the tire iron and tighten them lugs."

...Two men are at the Beach. One of them is wearing a Speedo. The Other friend suggests..."If you want to get the Attention of 'Hot' women, Put a 'Potatoe' Down Your Speedo!"

The man does just that and then walks out onto the Beach and passing people. He Immediately receives Laughter, and Pointing from Other Men. Screams of Horror, from most of the Women...Children running, Pointing and Laughing, Screaming!!

His friend quickly runs up to the man to tell him..."NO!!. You put the Potatoe Down the FRONT of Your Speedo!, NOT the Back!!"   

That’s one of my old standbys!!

It always gets a laugh!

...Womens' 'Makeup'...a $3,000,000,000.00+ a Year Business.

We've all seen the ad..."Hides the 'Appearance' of Wrinkles!!" As if 'You May be Blind!'

...Ladies, they Never told You the 'Disclaimer'!!

  "It Don't 'Cure' Ugly!!"

...Now, My Wife is Leaving Me!!!

Did You Know...there are Teams of 'Prospectors', constantly scouring the Planet, and the mouths of rivers, searching for 'PINK' Mud!?

33 years on and this has not dated one day ......!

PI News 1991:

@Percy posted:

33 years on and this has not dated one day ......!

PI News 1991:

Change that "estimate" to "this month's invoice" and that would be Me on the other end of the line!

with apoligies to J Foxworthy ...

"you might own a Pantera if you have more in restoration than your 401K"

"hey didja fixit yet, naw, didju? You'ant to. Aight."

The amazing part is it is perfectly understandable in australia .....!

That’s funny stuff!

...Did You Hear about the Paraplegic who was In Court, Sueing the Driver who hit Him??

Yah...He didn't have a 'Leg To Stand-On'!!

These might be considered “groaners”, but, I think they are mildly funny…

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: "No, I'm traveling light."

An electron is driving down a motorway and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: "Sir, do you realize you were travelling at 130 km per hour?" The electron goes: "Oh great, now I'm lost."

(Science explanation:  if you know the speed of an electron, you can’t know its position, and vice versa…. Very quantum!)

The barman says: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon enters a bar.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality!

Last one!

..."I am SO Broke...I can't Even Pay Attention!"

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Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. She usually slept through her religion class.

One day her teacher, Sister Mary Ursula, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

Sister Mary Ursula said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"***** Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and Sister Mary Ursula once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

Then the nun asked a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that darn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Sister Mary Ursula fainted...

An elderly man had owned a large farm for years. He had a large lake at the back with lots of fruit trees. The lake was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One lovely sunny day he decided to go down to the lake as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was six young women skinny-dipping, he made them aware of his presence and they all move to a deep part of the lake.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.  😂

This will boggle your mind.  And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so! 

A grizzled old chief petty officer was on a military flight with two Navy officers. Lunch was served and after taking a bite out of his sandwich the chief looked around for coffee. Not seeing any, he got up and turned to the two Navy officers and said he was going for coffee, would they like some. They eagerly agreed and off the chief went.

While he was gone, one of the officers spit on his sandwich, winked at the other, and sat back down.

The chief returned with the coffee, sat down, and took a big bite of his sandwich. Hearing the snickers from the two officers as they sipped their coffee he said, "You know, we got quit doing this crap. You know, spitting in sandwiches and pissing in coffee."

...I asked this Gorgeous Women,

"If I told You that You had a Beautiful Body...Would You 'Hold It Against Me'??"

...and She...Slapped Me Silly across The Face!

...Is That a NO?

...Women, I Love them!

They are Like Hurricanes...They come into Your Life, Wet and Wild,

And when They Leave...They've Taken Your Car and House!!

...SHE was going 'to put Me in my Place'...But, I found IT All By Myself!

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...To Quote a 'Soul-Sister', who grew-up in Oakland, CA, preparing for a Street Fight.

"I DON'T Know Karate...But, I Sure KNOW Karazy!!

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at the convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have gathered from personal experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed... “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

...A Young Man who worked for a florist, delivering Flowers for customers. Talking with his friend..."I had a delivery of 2 Dozen roses to this Guys' Girlfriend. 24 Beautiful RED Roses. Once At her door, She turned out to be Absolutely 'Drop-Dead' Gorgeous!! She flirted and We 'Hit it Off'!"

"It was the Mans' Idea to send Her 24 Roses...It was My Idea to deliver Them, One at a Time!"

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@rocky posted:

We are OLD… no doubt anymore 😳

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...A Very Old Holy Priest is down deep in the  basement of his Religious Building. He is going through the most Ancient Archives, and has been studying the Holy Texts, that were Translated Thousands of Years ago. Texts of the Rules he has lived by, his ENTIRE Life. He is crying uncontrollably...Hurtful tears running down his Checks, when an Apprentice approaches him, asking what has gone Wrong?? His Only Reply...

"The WORD is Celebrate!!!"

(Not 'Celibate')

That’s a good one!

I used Up All My Sick Days...So I Called In DEAD!

@marlinjack posted:

I used Up All My Sick Days...So I Called In DEAD!

For me, that’s the best one yet!

...Oh! You're Just Jealous, because 'the Voices' ONLY Speak to ME!!

@marlinjack posted:

...Oh! You're Just Jealous, because 'The Voices' ONLY Talk to ME!!

… WHO SAID THAT… 😱

This is supposed to be truth!

Spare the rod, and spoil the child!  The nuns at my grade school adhered to this philosophy!