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"Do You Know Why Elephants Paint their Toenails RED??"
'So They can Hide in Cherry Trees!! Have You Ever seen a Elephant in a Cherry Tree??'
(NO!)
'SEE.....It Works!!'
I think this guy works on ZFs down in the LA Basin…
(Classic Transmission shop commercial)
In the Dark of a Early Morning, a Man pulls his pick-up truck out of the Garage, to leave, and get a Early start for Fishing. The Weather is Terrible!! It is Storming and a Torrential Rain Downpour! He quickly changes his mind and backs his truck back into the Garage, closes the door. NO fishing today!
He goes around the house and enters the Back Door, goes up stairs and Slides Back into bed with His Wife. Spoons and Snuggles up to Her, he whispers in Her Ear, "It's raining 'Cats and Dogs' out there!" Her Reply..."Can You Believe My Dumbass Husband is Out Fishing in this Shit?!!"
Did you Hear about the Bus-Driver, who Pulled-Out Quick! to Avoid a Child?...And Broke His Arm, when He Fell Off the Couch!!
What do You Get when You 'Cross' a Prostitute with a Elephant???
A 'Two-Ton Whore', Who Works for Peanuts!!
How to tell who loves you most, your wife or you dog.
Take your wife and dog and lock them in your car trunk for four hours, then let them out and see who lick you. I forgot to tell you make for sure you have an attorney ready. Have a Happy and Safe 2024!
I was sitting in the office and my wife asked from the kitchen… “Do you ever feel shooting pains through your body, as if somebody is sticking a voodoo doll of you with needles?”
“No”, I said…. “Why?”
”How about now?” she asked!
"I am Not 'Totally Useless'!...I Can Always be Used as a 'Bad Example'!!"
...A Cop pulls over a Gorgeous Women driving a Detomaso Pantera.
Walks up to Her window and asks..."May I see your License, I'll be issuing a Citation for Speeding"
The Women hands over Her Drivers' License, Along with a 100 Dollar Bill.
"No, Mame it is Illegal for You to offer Me a Bribe!" "Oh NO Officer, This is a Donation to the Policemens' BALL!"
The officer replies..."Policemen Don't Have BALLS!"
Realizing what He had just said, hands the License and Bill, back to the Woman and returns to his Cruiser.
How to fit 4 elephants into a Citroën 2hp or a Fiat 500?
Answer: by putting two in front and two behind
...It's our anniversary, and My Wife said, if I don't buy her something New and Shiny, and have it sitting out in the driveway, we're Done!!
I Bought her a Toaster, and sat it out There!
Then she said, I want to go out to dinner, somewhere 'Expensive'! I took her to a 'Gas Station'!
My Wife told Me that I Never Listen to Her...At Least That's What I Think She Said!
Men!! You want to Get a Womans' Attention? Yell..."Shoe-Sale, Shoe-Sale".
...I'll be Sleeping on the Couch Tonight!
...RED Light in the rearview Mirror! It's the CHP pulling Me over in My Pantera!! The Officer walks up to My open window..."Sir, why do You think I pulled You Over?"
..."3 Years Ago My Wife Ran-Off with a CHP Officer... I Was Afraid You were Bringing Her Back!!"
...Other 'Lame' Excuses, to tell Officers, Reasons for Speeding in Your Pantera!
...I was in a Hurry to get to the Shop and have My Brakes Fixed!!
...Speeding Down highway 5, "They Just Opened a New 'Doughnut Shop' in Manteca!!"
..."I Was Contributing to the Smooth Flow of Traffic!"
Standing up in Court addressed by the Judge. "You were caught on 'Radar', Speeding! Your Citation reads, 95 mph in a 55 Zone!"
"...Your Honor, I have in My Hand Documented Proof, Witnessed by the Officer, that I was Being 'Shot in the Face' by a 'Infared Lazar'. I could Not Accurately 'Read' the Speedometer!"
Case Dismissed!
Next case:
Speeding: "Your Honor, My Wife was Leaving Town, on Vacation to Visit Family and Friends in Florida, for TWO Weeks!!" "I was in a Great Hurry to get Her to the Airport!!"
Case Dismissed!
Funny stuff!
Marlin - do you do marriage counseling sessions on the side ?
Percy, Yes I Do!
I Consol and Guide Gorgeous Young Women through their Devorce.
I start with, "let's Meet For Drinks!"
...Now, I have to Move Out, TO My Own Apartment!
Brilliant!
One of my friends was drinking up to a pint a day of DOT4 brake fluid.
I told him I was concerned but he assured me he could stop any time he wanted ....!
...A note found on the Bathroom Counter.
The best way to Clean a 'Toilet Bowl'
To Scrub it Shiny Clean, Spic-n-Span!
Take Your Best Pet CAT, and Place It in the Bowl, Close the Lid Down and STAND on It!! Now Flush the Toilet! 2 or 3 Times, to get the Toilet Extra Clean!! The CAT will get Very Busy Scrubbing the Bowl Rim.
When Finished...Step-Off the Lid and the CAT will Immediately 'Excuse' Himself from the Toilet and Run Outside To Celebrate...Having been of Great Service to Its' Human Master.
The CAT, Absolutely LOVES Doing This Job!!!
Signed,
The DOG
...A Tortice is Touring New York City. He takes a short-cut down a dark alley and is confronted by Three Snails, who Mug and Rob Him!
The Tortice Immediately goes to the Police Station to file a Report. The Investigating officer asks the Victim, "Can You tell me what happened, tell me what they looked Like??"
"I don't Know....It ALL happened So FAST!!"
😁😂😂😂😂😁😁
..."I Like My Women, as I Like My Flan!"
"Sweet, Giggly and Cheapest in Mexico!!"
...I just saw on the News that The Country of 'Iambadestan' has Just Developed a 'Hydrogen Bomb'.
Problem is, their Only 'Delivery System' is By OX-Cart.
...What was the VERY FIRST thing, Adam SAID to Eve??
."..Better Stand WAY BACK! I Don't Know HOW BIG This THING's Going to Get!!"
The wife kept screaming, “Give 'IT' to me! I’ve become so WET. Give IT to ME right now!”...but, the husband refused to give-up his umbrella.
...What did the Elephant say to the Naked Man??
"AHHH, That's Cute! But can you really Breathe through that Thing??"
...I was out ON the Golf Course the other Day, I Hit a Couple of Great Balls!
Ya, I Stepped on a Rake!!
You heard about the story where the guy’s wife was kidnapped, and the cops came by and told him to prepare for the worst?
And he said “Oh my God…. I gotta get all those clothes back???”
...A man goes to the Optometrist for a Eye Exam.
The Doctor tells him "You have a Cataract!"
He replies "NO! I have a 'Ringkin Continentrol'!"
...For Years I've been looking for My Wifes Killer...Just haven't Found anyone willing to take the Job!
...Many Priests were at a Convention, when three of them struck up the question..."How do you determine how to divide up the contributions of the 'Collection Plate', meaning, How much do you give For GOD, and how Much do You Keep??"
First: "I throw ALL the Money UP In the air...All That Lands on 'Heads', I Give For GOD, what Lands On 'Tails', I Keep".
Second: "I throw All the Money Up in the Air. All the Coins that Land and Stay on their Sides, I give For GOD, I Keep all the Rest".
Third: "I throw ALL the Money UP IN THE AIR...What STAYS IN THE AIR, I Give For GOD!"
You are going to offend all the priests on this forum that drive Panteras!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now!
Two priests are driving down the highway in their high speed parish Pantera and have a flat. They are having a lot of trouble changing the tire when a pickup truck pulls up and a very large man gets out and walks over. He gets down on one knee and lifts the car up onto the other and using his bare hands takes off the lug nuts and changes the tire. He then changes the tire and puts the lug nuts on with his fingers and then sets the car down. The two now slack jawed priests can't thank him enough.
One of the priest's has to ask "Are you sure those lugs are tight enough, just using your fingers?" The big man says "Those lug nuts are tighter than a nun's twat." and he gets in his truck and is gone.
The two priests look at each other and finally one says "you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Yes, says the other, you had better get the tire iron and tighten them lugs."
...Two men are at the Beach. One of them is wearing a Speedo. The Other friend suggests..."If you want to get the Attention of 'Hot' women, Put a 'Potatoe' Down Your Speedo!"
The man does just that and then walks out onto the Beach and passing people. He Immediately receives Laughter, and Pointing from Other Men. Screams of Horror, from most of the Women...Children running, Pointing and Laughing, Screaming!!
His friend quickly runs up to the man to tell him..."NO!!. You put the Potatoe Down the FRONT of Your Speedo!, NOT the Back!!"
That’s one of my old standbys!!
It always gets a laugh!
...Womens' 'Makeup'...a $3,000,000,000.00+ a Year Business.
We've all seen the ad..."Hides the 'Appearance' of Wrinkles!!" As if 'You May be Blind!'
...Ladies, they Never told You the 'Disclaimer'!!
"It Don't 'Cure' Ugly!!"
...Now, My Wife is Leaving Me!!!
Did You Know...there are Teams of 'Prospectors', constantly scouring the Planet, and the mouths of rivers, searching for 'PINK' Mud!?
"hey didja fixit yet, naw, didju? You'ant to. Aight."
The amazing part is it is perfectly understandable in australia .....!
That’s funny stuff!
These might be considered “groaners”, but, I think they are mildly funny…
A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: "No, I'm traveling light."
An electron is driving down a motorway and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: "Sir, do you realize you were travelling at 130 km per hour?" The electron goes: "Oh great, now I'm lost."
(Science explanation: if you know the speed of an electron, you can’t know its position, and vice versa…. Very quantum!)
The barman says: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon enters a bar.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality!
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. She usually slept through her religion class.
One day her teacher, Sister Mary Ursula, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
Sister Mary Ursula said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"***** Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and Sister Mary Ursula once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
Then the nun asked a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that darn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Sister Mary Ursula fainted...
An elderly man had owned a large farm for years. He had a large lake at the back with lots of fruit trees. The lake was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.
One lovely sunny day he decided to go down to the lake as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was six young women skinny-dipping, he made them aware of his presence and they all move to a deep part of the lake.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast. 😂
This will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't!
- While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
- Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so! 
A grizzled old chief petty officer was on a military flight with two Navy officers. Lunch was served and after taking a bite out of his sandwich the chief looked around for coffee. Not seeing any, he got up and turned to the two Navy officers and said he was going for coffee, would they like some. They eagerly agreed and off the chief went.
While he was gone, one of the officers spit on his sandwich, winked at the other, and sat back down.
The chief returned with the coffee, sat down, and took a big bite of his sandwich. Hearing the snickers from the two officers as they sipped their coffee he said, "You know, we got quit doing this crap. You know, spitting in sandwiches and pissing in coffee."
...I asked this Gorgeous Women,
"If I told You that You had a Beautiful Body...Would You 'Hold It Against Me'??"
...and She...Slapped Me Silly across The Face!
"...Is That a NO?"
...Women, I Love them!
They are Like Hurricanes...They come into Your Life, Wet and Wild,
And when They Leave...They've Taken Your Car and House!!
...SHE was going 'to put Me in MY Place'...But, I found 'IT' All By Myself!
...To Quote a 'Soul-Sister', who grew-up in Oakland, Just Getting Into a Fight.
"I DON'T Know Karate...But, I Sure KNOW Karasy!!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at the convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have gathered from personal experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed... “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
...A Young Man who worked for a Florist, delivering Flowers for customers, Talking with his friend..."I had a delivery of 2 Dozen Roses to this Guys' Girlfriend. 24 Beautiful RED Roses. Once At her door, She turned out to be Absolutely 'Drop-Dead' Gorgeous!! She flirted and We 'Hit it Off'!"
"It was Her Boyfriends' plan to send Her 24 Roses...It was My Idea to deliver Them, One at a Time!"
Moral: 'When She's Your Girlfriend...Deliver Her Roses, Personally!!'
@rocky posted:
We are OLD… no doubt anymore 😳
...A Very Old Holy Priest is down deep in the basement of his Religious Building. He is going through the most Ancient Archives, and has been studying the Holy Texts, that were Translated Thousands of Years ago. Texts of the Rules he has lived by, his ENTIRE Life. He is crying uncontrollably...Hurtful tears running down his Cheeks, when an Apprentice approaches him, asking what has gone Wrong?? His Only Reply...
"The WORD is Celebrate!!!"
(Not 'Celibate')
That’s a good one!
I used Up All My Sick Days...So I Called In DEAD!
@marlinjack posted:I used Up All My Sick Days...So I Called In DEAD!
For me, that’s the best one yet!
...Oh! You're Just Jealous, because 'the Voices' ONLY Speak to ME!!
@marlinjack posted:...Oh! You're Just Jealous, because 'The Voices' ONLY Talk to ME!!
… WHO SAID THAT… 😱
...Womens' Make-Up:
"It don't Cure Ugley!"
"It's Going to Need a Second Coat!"
"Yes! Those Pants DO Make Your Ass Look BIG......AND, I Love It!"
...Now, I'am in my own apartment and My Ex-Wife will Not Answer My Phone Calls or Texts.
...Two Girls had a Bet going with Two Guys. A Race! Who could get to the Airport, the Quickest!
...The Girls Won!! They got there 'Lickity-Split', while the Guys were back at the Hotel, still Packin' their Shit!
...A Women was in the upstairs bathroom, taking a Shower.
When the Doorbell rang, feverously. Thinking there must be an emergency, she hops out of the shower, forgoes a Towel and Runs downstairs to the front door. Stark Naked she yells, "who is It?"...The Reply, "Blind Man!"
Believing He can't See Her, She Opens the Door...
..."Hey Lady, Great Boobs!! Now where do You want these Blinds?"
...What did the NUT Say to the BOLT, Chasing After HER?
"NO! NOT Without a WASHER!!
They were Matched-Up, Screwed Together, and Produced a Little Screw and Two Little Jam-nuts.
That's What Happens, when You Don't Use a Washer!
...A Priest, a Lawyer and a Doctor walk into a Bar, And the Bartender says...
"What is this, some kind'a Bar Joke?"
What is the difference between a 'Pick Pocket' and a 'Peeping Tom'?
One, Snatches Watches, and the Other, Watches Snatches.
...Do You know Why Women Have a Difficult Time Judging 'Distances'?
Because They've Been Told, by Men, 6 Inches is 10...Most of Their Lives!
"...a Soldier returns Home after fighting 4 Years in Europe, during World War II. He is Home and changing into his civilian Clothes. Reaching into one pocket he discovers a Claim Cheque for repairs on a pair of shoes he left at a shoe repair shop, many years ago, just before he was ordered to ship out. He thinks...I wonder if the shop is still there?
It Is! The shop is still Open. Walking in, he Hands the Old Man the Ticket, The Repairman reads it and disappears into the Back Room. After a moment, he Returns...
"They'll be Ready Next Tuesday!"
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo
What is a dyslexic atheist ?
Someone who doesn't believe in dog...
Now that is dog dam funny, all of them!
...So Sue Me!! Talk to My Team of Lawyers.
'Dewy, Cheatem and Howe'
...And, there is the Chinese/Jewish Restaurant I ate Dinner at...
'So-Su-Mi'
...Life is Like a Roll of Toilet Paper...The Closer You get to the End, The Faster it Goes!
...a Man enters a Bar, and sits down on the seat next to a Man sitting alone. He can't help but notice, on the Back of Each seat, there is a Large Number. He asks the Gentleman sitting there, "What's with the Numbers on these Seats??" The Man replies, "Upstairs is a Brothel, and 'they' Spin a Wheel, and if Your Number comes up, they'll call You up there to have Sex!!" "No! Your kidding, Right?" "I Know it's True!...They've called My Girlfriend up there, 3 Times, Already!"
...A Attractive Mature Woman, in her 40's is sitting at the Bar, when a Younger Man approaches Her then asks, "Are You alone tonight, would you like some company?" She replies, "I Have a Better Idea, How would You like to Have Hot Sex with A Mother And Her Daughter?" the Man says "Sure! I could go for that!"
The couple walks the few blocks to Her Home, up the Stairs and in the front Door...When the Women YELLS towards the Upstairs..."Hey MOM get out of Bed and Put Your Teeth IN, We Got a Live One!!"
...A Woman is sitting with Her Friend, they're having drinks, when the Conversation turns to the Reading of Her late Husbands' Will.
"He Left Me Millions! But His Lawyer was Adamant about the $300,000, My Husband Stipulated for His 'Memorial Stone' ". Her friend replies, "That's a Lot of Money for a Stone! where is It?" "Right Here!!", as the Widow Outstretches Her Hand to Reveal a '12-Carat Diamond Solitaire'!!
Wives are like grenades; remove the ring, and then BOOM!, the house is gone!'
'Marriage is a 'Three-Ring Circus': engagement Ring, wedding Ring, and suffering.
Son: "What's the difference between love and marriage?" Father: "Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener."
'It is my wife's birthday tomorrow, she has been leaving Jewelry Catalogues all around the house, so I bought her a Magazine Rack.'
'My wife was going through her wardrobe and said: "Look! This Still Fits Me after 20 Years", I replied: "It's a Scarf!"
'Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? He is trying to figure out the combination.'
'Is Google a man or a woman? A woman of course, because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a Recommendation.'
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.
My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look attractive.
So I got drunk.
A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
Her: “All my friends are telling me I married an idiot!”
Him: “What they mean is, only an idiot would’ve married you!”
Q. How do men get exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.
Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.
...a Strange Old Man sits down on a Park Bench, Close beside a Gorgeous Young Women, and asks.."Do You Believe in the 'Here After'??"
She replies, "Ofcourse I Do!"
"Good, Then You Know What I'm Here After!!"
a skit on 'Laugh In'
...What goes Varroom, Screech, Varroom, Screech, Varroom, Screech...??
A 'Blond' at a Blinking RED Stop Light!!
What do you call a Brunette, standing between Two Blonds, having a Conversation??
an Interpreter!
@marlinjack posted:...Damn, How Many for 'FARTING' in Class??
Death by a 1000 Cuts!!
Damn Glad I didn't go to That School, I'd have been Bet to Hell!
"If You and I were on a Sinking Ship, and there was Only One Life Preserver...I would Miss You Greatly and Think of You Often!"
...History tells us, the Vikings were first to Discover America!
Ya Know Who Discovered San Francisco??
The ViQueens!
...What kind'a Bread Has a Poor Memory?
'Focaccia' Bread
"...My Wife Tells Me "You Keep Thinking Like a Child!"
"No I Don't...I'm Seventy-Two 'and a Half', Years Old!!"
...A Ferris Wheel Operator Stops the Wheel, and to the Man sitting in the Seat, "You've Been ON this Ride for Well Over an Hour!! You 'Get'in Off'??"