Fridays Pub Joke

LOL!!
Here is another bar joke, I should have told on ST. Patricks day.

This guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders double whiskey and keep them coming. He begins to cry uncontrollably. A short, elderly gentlemen seated next to him says " Ladie, what is a troublin yea? What can be that bad?"
The guy between sobs blurts out " Well, I had everything. Then this morning my boss called me in and said not only was I fired, but the company was suining me for bad business decisions I had made. So I packed up my desk but the box wouldn't fit into my Pantera so I had to leave all my work possesions there and I drove home to get my truck. I get home and find a note from my wife, she has run off with my best friend and the truck and all the furniture is gone, I get in my Pantera and start to drive here and a cop jumps from the curb and tells me he is commandering my car to chase a criminal, he gets a block away and crashes it into a handi-capped bus and the car is totalled and he arrests ME, claiming I was drunk and did it. Everyone in the bus is dead but the nursing home is suing me fro everything I got. My bank acoount was totaly cleaned out by my wife and I don't even know how I am gonna pay my bar tab."
So the short old guy says" Lad, you have had a bad day, that is to be for sure, but I will tell you what, I am here to turn things around for you."
What?
Yes, lad, you see I am a leprican and I will make things right for you.
Oh great, tell you what, leave me alone.
No Lad, it is true, I am a leprican. Did you really think I would run around in a green suit? I am going to change your life for yee. When you go home tonight, you will find that parked in your garage will be 1989 Pantera GT5S that has over a million dollars of parts and work done on her. It will do over two-hundred and thirty miles an hour. A thousand horsepower, lad. Wheels that are 24 karret gold plated, diamond shifter knob. 2000 watt per channel stero. A dream car of the highest standards, You will go into your huse to be greated by Jennifer Aniston. She will be madly in love with you. She will make passionate love to you all night long. And when you wake up in the morning, call your bank and you will find you have over thirty four billion dollars in your account. No lad, your life will be transformed."
The guy has stopped crying. He looks at the little old man and says "Thanks. No thanks is not enough. How can I ever repay you??"
No need for that Lad, I am a leprican and that is what we do.
No, I must do something, you have done so much for me. Just name it and I will do it. PLease, I feel a need.
So the little old man looks at him and says "Well, you know, us lepricans are queer."
The guys jaw drops. He is shaken. But he feels a deep obligation. So he agrees to go with the leprican back to the toilet stall in the mens room. There he drops his drawers and let's the old man have his way with him. As the little gray haired man is zipping up his pants he turns and says "By and by laddie, how old be yee?"
The man shaking and sweating on the floor, trying to keep from vomiting in the toilet responds "34 years old. Why do you ask"
The little old mand shakes his head and says "34 years old and ya still believe in lepricans. That is pathetic."

George,

thanks for making Friday a great day.

enjoy the weekend.

John

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days,
viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny
Youngman, and others? You've probably heard of them before, but don't
you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all
night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making
love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called
it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back."

Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish
fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're
the one who's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of
work
he's out of.

DeTom,

The U.S. Government decided to conduct a study to determine what people say the moment before the vehicles collide during and auto accident.

89% of the people tested in 49 states said: ''Oh, damn!''

However, in Tennessee, 94% of those tested said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

lol................

LOL
You rule george!

A man was going through a nasty divorce. Like most of us he was being taken to the cleaners. While cleaning his stuff out of the house, he finds an old aladin type lamp in the attic. He figures that he can maybe sell it for some badly needed cash. As he's polishing the lamp . . . POOF! a genie appears and promises him three wishes. The only catch the genie says is that his ex-wife to be will get twice the amount of what he gets. His wife having taken all the money, his first wish is for a million dollars. POOF! a million dollars in cash appears before him. At the same time 2 million in cash appears before his wife. Since he now needs a house, he then wishes for a 5 bedroom house. POOF! he is instantly in a 5 bedroom mansion. At the same time his wife is transported into a 10 bedroom mansion. The genie asks "what will your third and final wish be?" The man thinks for a minute and says: "beat me half to death!"

That's true George.

...Women are like Hurricanes!! They come into your life 'Wet and Wild'; and when they leave they've taken your House and Car!!...Another, Give me 3, Two letter words that mean SMALL?? "IS IT IN??". Have a great weekend! Get that Cat out and hit some High Revs!! All the best!...

Thanks for the well wishes Marlin, but I can't get the car out today because it is snowing right now. So I did some work on the car today to get it ready for the Rod Run in April. I will mabe take her out tommorow when it stops snowing and clears off.
You have a great weekend bub.